


You’ll never be alone, I’ll be there for you

by benhalfway



Series: Ballum One Shots [3]
Category: Ballum, EastEnders (TV)
Genre: Army, Comfort, Emotional, Flashbacks, Kind of a bit fluffy I guess?, M/M, PTSD, Sad, Trauma, mental health
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-18
Updated: 2020-03-18
Packaged: 2021-03-01 03:49:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,027
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23178748
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/benhalfway/pseuds/benhalfway
Summary: Callum has a PTSD episode because of the fireworks on Bonfire Night and Ben does what he can to help.(I suck at summaries, sorry)—The title is a quote from the song "I’ll Be There" by Jess Glynne, which is the song that was playing at the end of Callum's coming out episode ❤️
Relationships: Callum "Halfway" Highway/Ben Mitchell
Series: Ballum One Shots [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1571590
Comments: 3
Kudos: 34





	You’ll never be alone, I’ll be there for you

_Bang!_

_"Halfway! Get outta the way!"_

_Boom!_

_"Halfway, it ain't worth it! Come on, just get away from there!"_

_Bang!_

_"I've got him! Chris, take him. I just need to get his mother-"_

_Bang!_

_"Halfway, for fuck sake!"_

_"Nonono, get off me! I need to help her-"_

_Bang!_

_Boom!_

_"NOOOO!"_

—

Callum curled further into himself as the excruciatingly loud bangs of the fireworks went off outside, echoing throughout the square.

He was a shaking, blubbering mess and all he wanted – no, _needed_ – was Ben. He felt trapped, suffocated and alone.

He'd been curled up in the corner of his and Ben's room for what felt like an eternity, but was realistically about half an hour, having flashback after flashback about his time in the army.

The time he saved a little boy from a field full of landmines but couldn't save the boy's mother. The time a bomb went off and he was injured by the shrapnel. The time he was shot.

He felt as though he was still there, stuck in an endless nightmare that he couldn't wake up from.

He could still see the bodies, the blood and the explosions; he could hear the gunshots, the bombs and the screams and wails of innocent people being brutally murdered; he could still smell the smoke from all of the explosions. His senses had gone into overdrive.

"Honey, I'm homeee!" Ben sang jokingly as he walked through the door, unintentionally slamming it shut before waltzing into the living room where he expected to see Callum.

Callum just about heard the slam of the door and the loud voice booming through the flat, but he couldn't quite make out who the voice belonged to or what they were actually saying.

Upon seeing that Callum wasn't in the living room, Ben furrowed his brows before looking at his watch. The clock read 18:31. Surely Callum hadn't gone to bed this early, right?

"Callum?" He called, turning on his heel and heading towards the bedroom.

He couldn't hear anything coming from the room so he suspected that perhaps Callum had come home from work, exhausted and unintentionally crashed.

As he pushed open the door, slowly and quietly, he was met with complete darkness. He looked over to the bed, expecting to see Callum sleeping there but the bed was empty.

Just then, a firework went off outside which caused Callum to let out a small shriek, and that's when Ben spotted him curled up in the corner, shaking vigorously.

"NO! NO, NO, NO!" He sobbed, breaking down all over again.

Ben quickly rushed over to his distressed boyfriend and sat next to him on the floor, pulling the shaking man into his arms and refusing to let go, even when Callum yelled at him and tried to push him away.

He understood that Callum wasn't aware of his surroundings. He understood that the frightened man was seeing things, and that he wasn't aware of who it was that was holding him or where he actually was. He was in a trance.

Ben could tell he was having flashbacks to the army. These flashbacks were a regular occurrence for Callum, so he knew what to look out for and what to do in these situations.

"She's dead! She's dead and it's all my fault!" Callum cried, pushing on Ben's chest in an attempt to break free from his grip but Ben only held on tighter – not enough to hurt him but enough to keep him in place.

"Callum, Cal, listen to me. C'mon, I know you're in there somewhere. It's me, Ben. Just listen to my voice, yeah?" He spoke softly but clearly, bringing Callum's head to his chest and cradling it close.

Another firework went off outside causing Callum to jump, unintentionally whacking his head against Ben's chin as he did so. Ben winced, but ignored the pain in order to help Callum because he was far more important.

"Callum, baby, I'm gonna need you to listen to me. Please. I've got you, you're okay. Everything's gonna be okay." He soothed, pressing several soft kisses to the top of his head.

He listened as Callum's breathing started to steady, still quite shaky but nowhere near as laboured as before. He figured that maybe he was getting through to him.

There hadn't been any fireworks for about a minute and he was praying that this was it now.

"W-Where am I? ...Hello? Someone help me." Callum whined, snuggling closer to Ben subconsciously.

"It's okay, darlin', I've got you. You're okay, I promise." He soothed, gently running his fingers through Callum's damp, messy hair.

"B-B-Ben, is- is that you?" The taller man asked, lifting his head to look up at Ben through tired, sad, red-rimmed eyes.

He looked rough. Ben knew just from looking at him that he must've been in that panicked state for quite some time. He looked exhausted and run-down.

"Yeah, darlin', it's just me. Are you okay now?" He asked, bringing his hand down to caress Callum's face.

When he felt the dampness on his cheeks and under his eyes, he frowned, wiping the tears away with the sleeves of his jumper.

"I-I think so. What happened? Did I have another um...episode?" He asked quietly, clearly embarrassed at the mere thought.

Ben frowned. He didn't need to be embarrassed. It wasn't his fault, was it?

"M'afraid so, darlin'. It's okay though, you don't need to be embarrassed. It's not your fault, ok? It's not. So don't even try telling me that it is." He said, sternly but softly.

A tone that only Ben seemed to be able to perfect.

Callum nodded slowly, gulping silently. He hated being like this. So vulnerable. So...weak. He couldn't stand it. Why couldn't he just be normal?

"I uh...how long was I um...y'know." He coughed awkwardly, his previously pale cheeks now tinted a warm shade of pink.

"I'm not sure, love. I came home and you weren't answering me so I came in here and there you were. I don't know if it was the fireworks that set it off or if they just made it worse, but you were talking about the army." He explained, tangling his fingers in Callum's hair once again and gently massaging his scalp.

"O-Oh...I'm sorry." The elder of the two frowned, picking at the already damaged skin around his nails until the skin was red and raw. Ben sighed sadly.

"Don't apologise, darlin'. It's not your fault. If anyone should be sorry it's me. I'm sorry I wasn't home sooner. I should've realised you'd get scared by the fireworks and-" Callum cut the younger man off by leaning up and pressing a quick, chaste kiss to his lips.

"Ben, you do so much for me already. You don't need to come rushing to my rescue every time I have an episode, and you certainly don't need to leave work early just because I can't handle a few fireworks. You're here now, aren't ya? And that's all that matters." He said, smiling weakly.

"I guess so. I just worry about ya. I always worry about ya. And not just because of your PTSD either. I just love you so much and I don't ever want you to be sad. Ever." Ben sighed, bringing Callum's hand up to his lips and pressing soft, feathery kisses to his knuckles.

"I know. I know you worry about me. I just...I just don't want you to. I-I'm not worth any tears or- or upset. You should be living your life, focusing on yourself and your daughter but instead, you're cooped up in the flat all the time making sure I'm not going to hurt myself. I'm a massive burden-"

"Baby...you are not a burden. You're my everything. I love you so much and I just want you to be safe and happy. I don't ever want you to think that I do these things because I have to. I do these things because I want to. I want to help you." He reassured, showering his face with kisses.

"And don't worry about Lexi, ok? I still see her at least twice a week, don't I? She's at school five times a week and some weeks I'm at work every single day. It's always been this way. Nothing's changed." He added, bringing Callum's head to his shoulder and cradling him close.

"Do you promise? I don't want my problems to get in the way of you and your little girl. She needs you, Ben." Callum sighed, burying his face in Ben's neck.

Ben gently stroked the back of his head, his fingers softly grazing his neck just where his hair stopped.

"I promise you, darlin', she's okay. She's got Lola, Jay, mum, Bobby and even Ian. You've got Stuart and Rainie, whose only interests are snogging each other's faces off and fucking as loud as humanly possible." He cringed.

Despite everything, Callum actually laughed at that one. Ben wasn't wrong.

Ben smiled fondly. He loved Callum's laugh. It was one of his favourite sounds in the world.

"As long as you're sure. Now, can we go to bed? We don't have to sleep. I just wanna cuddle. I gave myself a bit of a headache with all the crying." Callum said sheepishly.

Ben lifted Callum's head so they were sat face to face and smiled, leaning up to press a loving kiss to his forehead.

"Of course, gorgeous. C'mon, get up and pop your butt on that bed. I won't be long." He said, kissing his boyfriend on the cheek before untangling their bodies and standing up.

"W-Wait, where are you going? Please don't leave me." Callum panicked, springing up from the floor and throwing his arms around his boyfriend's neck.

Ben chuckled softly, wrapping his arms around Callum's torso and leaning up to press a soft kiss to his lips.

It was quite difficult trying to comfort him standing up due to their height difference, but he managed.

"I'm just gonna get you some water and paracetamol, babe. I ain't going nowhere, I promise." He reassured, sliding his hand down Callum's arm until it found its place in his hand.

He then gave his hand a light squeeze and kissed him on the cheek before exiting the room.

Callum closed his eyes and took a deep breath in then out, trying his best to keep himself calm and collected.

_Ben isn't going anywhere. He's just going to the kitchen. He isn't leaving you all on your own. He wouldn't do that to you._

With those things in mind, he removed his shirt and climbed into bed, crawling under the covers before resting his head on his pillow and closing his eyes.

_You're going to be okay. Ben's going to look after you. You don't need to worry about a thing. Everything's going to be okay._

Callum let out a long, heavy sigh, curling into himself a little as he awaited Ben's return.

He had to convince himself that everything was going to be okay, even if he wasn't sure. Otherwise he'd send himself into a complete frenzy and nobody wanted that.

When Ben returned with the water and paracetamol and found Callum curled up under the covers with his back turned to him, he frowned.

He could only hope that he hadn't upset him by leaving him alone. It may have only been a couple of minutes, but that was enough time for Callum to send himself into a panic.

Ben knocked lightly on the open door, not wanting to startle Callum by talking to him all of a sudden. Callum turned to look at him, giving him a small nod of acknowledgment before turning back around.

"Babe? Are you okay?" He asked as he slowly approached the bed, placing the glass of water on the nightstand along with two paracetamol.

Callum nodded but still didn't turn around.

"Mhm. Just tired and achey." He said bluntly, his tone completely devoid of any emotion. Ben frowned when he realised Callum was distancing himself again.

"Well, the paracetamol will help with the pain and then you can go to sleep if ya want." He said, getting nothing but a nod and a small "mhm" in response.

Callum hadn't been the same since the kidnap. It had brought back all his memories from the army and triggered his PTSD, and ever since, he'd simply been a shell of the person he once was.

If he wasn't in a constant state of panic, he was detached, distant and only gave short, blunt responses.

Ben, of course, understood that it wasn't his fault, but it didn't stop him from being upset about it. He just wanted Callum back. This wasn't his Callum, this was a new Callum.

"You still up for that cuddle?" He asked warily. Callum nodded but didn't respond this time.  Ben smiled sadly, getting into bed and crawling under the covers, shifting closer to Callum and spooning him.

Callum may have been a lot taller than Ben but he loved being the little spoon. It made him feel safe and protected, especially when he'd had his episodes.

"I know you're sad, Callum, but I'm 'ere for ya, ok? I'm gonna help ya, I promise." He said, pressing a soft kiss to the back of Callum's neck.

Callum's lips twitched upwards slightly but he couldn't bring himself to properly smile.

"I love you, Ben." He said softly, almost in a whisper as he reached back and felt around for Ben's hand, grabbing it once he'd found it and giving it a small squeeze.

Ben smiled fondly, giving Callum's hand a light squeeze in return before resting their conjoined hands on the older man's hip.

"I love you too, Cal." He whispered, shuffling closer and burying his face in the back of Callum's neck, wanting to feel as close to his boyfriend as humanly possible.

They laid like that for a while, the only sound that filled the room being the faint sound of their relaxed breathing.

After a while, Ben started to trace random shapes into the warm skin of Callum's back as a way of comfort, while Callum struggled to stay awake.

He'd completely worn himself out with all the crying once again. He wondered if these episodes would ever stop, or at least become easier to manage.

He was constantly tired, whether it be mentally, physically or both, and he hated living his life this way.

He missed the old Callum; the happy, fun-spirited Callum; the Callum who, when knocked down, got himself straight back up again and dusted himself off.

He laid there lost in his own thoughts for quite some time, Ben noticing that he was a bit dazed out and pressing dozens of soft kisses to his back and shoulders.

"Babe?" Ben whispered, carefully tucking a bit of overgrown hair behind Callum's ear.

"Yeah?" Callum replied, finally turning his head to look at his boyfriend.

Ben gently rubbed his thumb over Callum's forehead, smoothing over the stress wrinkle that had formed from all the tensing he'd been doing.

"You're going to work your way through this, alright? I'm 'ere to 'elp ya every step o’ the way, I promise." He said softly, leaning up a little to press a loving kiss to his forehead.

Callum let out a small, sad sigh. He loved Ben and he appreciated his efforts to comfort him, but there was no way he was going to work his way through this. At least, he didn't think so.

"Uh, I don't think so." He said, sighing sadly. Ben frowned at this. Callum really had lost all hope, hadn't he?

"You will. Trust me. It'll take time of course, but you will make it out the other end. I know you will." Ben reassured, gently stroking his thumb over Callum's cheekbone.

Callum smiled weakly. He didn't believe that he would ever get through this, but he appreciated the encouragement.

He didn't feel like he deserved Ben; he was too caring, too loving. Callum didn't feel like he deserved that kind of treatment.

But he was so unbelievably glad to have someone like Ben by his side. He adored that man. He was his whole world.

"Thank you, babe." He said softly, tilting Ben's chin upwards a little bit so he could press a chaste kiss to his lips.

"That's alright, darlin'. But you don't need to thank me, ok? It's my job as your boyfriend to love and support you no matter what." The younger man grinned, stealing another kiss from his gorgeous boyfriend.

"Well you're the best boyfriend ever, that's for sure. No one's doing it like you. You're the best of the best." Callum smiled.

It was his first proper, genuine smile since Ben got home and Ben couldn't help but smile with him. Callum truly had the most infectious smile.

"You, Callum...are the loveliest bloke I've ever met. I don't know how I got so lucky." Ben sighed, littering Callum's neck and jaw with soft, feathery kisses.

Callum hummed contentedly, closing his eyes and enjoying the feeling of having Ben's lips on his neck.

"I love you, Ben." He smiled, tangling their fingers together once again and giving Ben's hand a light squeeze.

Ben smiled in return, bringing Callum's hand up to his lips and pressing a soft kiss to the top of it. 

“I love you too, baby. More than you will ever know." He grinned, burying his face in Callum's neck and snuggling as close to him as possible.

Before either of them knew it, they were fast asleep in each other's arms, pills and water completely forgotten about on the nightstand.

The only sound that filled the room was the sound of their slow, steady breathing.

Neither Ben nor Callum had a single care or worry in the world now that they were asleep. This was their time to relax and forget about everything for a while.

Nothing and no one could hurt them when they were tangled up in bed together. As long as they had each other, they were safe.


End file.
